knock knock knock energyyyyy

 I feel energic.And I`m watching the Big Bang Theory for a couple of hours aaaaand I ate chocolate and I have too much energy but I~m still here doing nothing.Tooth aches like hell, roommates are gone,I~m bored , I feel like a snail or something >.<  WHERE AM I GOING WITH MY LIFEEEEEE? Fuck -.-" And apparentely I don`t know how to handle relantionships  .I actually suck at this .Really.

Welcome to the good music night!

I am happy.
Listening to "hotel california" from my roommate`s computer.She has really great taste in music.
Today was a nice day ,after I have searched the whole day for articales about psycopaths and serial killers, at some point I went with some....buddies for a pizza.We tried to find a restaurant and we went about 3 hours in circles , one of my buddies started singing something about impossibility and we were constantly laughing and then I came back at home.And I went downstairs and talked with a friend and then solved my problems with another one.I hope so at least.I really did find someone interesting this time like one of those people whom you just can`t afford to lose.You just ..talk to such people, either you want or not, it all comes by itself.
And now I`m with my buddies in my room and we`re all laughing and one of my roommates started listening to Pink Floyd and everything is just so ...peaceful.I wish all days were like this.Just us, no intruders.Just the old ones, not those rude fuckers.And good music, I`m tired of all the hip-hop shit.
I actually like them and they`re ok, they can be nice.I don`t like the others >.>

Panick attack

They say it`s a panick attack.I`ve had these episodes before, and I know it was indeed a panick attack.Yay.I really wonder what`s next.There is stupid asshole girl in the place I live in now and she jokes about everything and everyone.Dreadful creature.I don`t like her.There`s two of them. Both as annoying and idiot.A good friend told me tonight that people become happier when they feel said, it`s like a defense mechanism. You induct that mood to yourself to basically...ignore the bad things that happened.And you get used to it.
I can`t.I will try to. I am becoming antisocial again.These people are just plain idiots and something tells me that the biggest idiot is me.I wasn`t educated in an enviroment of mockery , everyone was polite around me, none told me things - at home- to make me feel bad.
Bullshit.They actually did, but in a nicer, caring way.
Those idiots around me told me stuff that made me feel horrible  also made me become antisocial ^_^.And then was this guy...this friend, that kind of"best friend",the only guy I have ever fallen in love with ,one of the few people I owe a lot to.And he saved me.And now the same thing is happening again, but in another manner.This time I don`t need to be "saved" anymore.This time I don`t care anymore, fuck them.Fuck them all.I will only stay with the people I like , care about , I`m not supposed to stay with those that have got nothing in their little brains.I have found some people that interest me and as long as I don`t get attached, everything is going to be fine.
Not getting attached.That`s the plan.Altough it feels nice to trust someone, to be able to rely on someone and to live nice moments with that person.But sorry, I`d ruther be apparentely cold and not hurt, than attached and suffering.
"Alone is what I have.Alone protects me."

Cold,sweaty hands, accelerated pulse,dizziness - curiosity

gymnopedie , no.1

Something has been going on lately, I stopped being myself and I wish I knew why.I have started watching Sherlock Holmes and have a real interest in making deductions, I got accustomed to the people, the place ,everything became routine.I want to see the positive thing in life, just as I used to do but now it seems pointless.I feel more arrogant, selfish and introverted than usual, still,I crave foe social relations.Schizotypal, an internet test result said.When I think too much I have the symptomes described in the title of this post..well...not all of them ,I had all of them tonight, in a moment of extreme tension,attention and more of all - curiosity. Also felt cold, it isn`t the first time the room I am in is extremely warm but still I feel cold.This usually happens when I am tense.But my left arm feeling heavy?This was a new , interesting symptom.I looked it up on the Internet,I found panick attacks.Not these symptoms,I didn`t feel suffocated or close to dying or getting insane.There is a website - healthtap.com, I have asked some doctors from this website what is going on and I`m currentely waiting for a reply.The reason I`m posting this in English?It`s an exercise, I enjoy it.

Met someone interesting today,I`ve known him since the beginning of September but never told him anything.He seems arrogant with an obvious lack of culture or style, the kind of person with whom I would never talk. Oh, God! Appearnces can indeed be deceiving. Lack of style..weeeelll...studies Fashion design.Lack of culture?Wouldn`t say so and definetely not arrogant.Interesting.That is all.Asks a lot of questions, too many, I would say.Wants to know answers, thinks he knows a lot about life ,very confident in himself.Quite bad.None knows everything and having too much confidence is definetely not good.But I enjoyed talking to him, it was quite challenging.Untill I got bored.Many questions are not always interesting,challenging,sometimes it all becomes....dull.

These two things are connect.Meeting someone new, and my symptoms.When I got back home I really felt that this day never actually happened.I feel asleep, woke up after two hours because of the noise my roommate`s friends were making.And the strong light.There was something strange about this afternoon, there is somethign strange about these days,about this evening, about these symptoms of mine.I feel  strange.I behave in a strange manner.I need to get a little sense of reality and live in the present or else I won`t be able to control these emotions anymore, people will indeed  grow more distant towards me and I need people to teach me how to handle social situations.I`m not very good at it, apparentely, not for a long period of time.

I also have to practice my arguments more.Apparentely.

Looked it up on the Internet again, it seems like some of these are the symptoms of a heart attack as well.Oh, Sherlock,dear,look what you do to me!

No conclusion this time.I have decided that I should stop adressing to other while writing on this blog,in fact, this is about me.It is my digital diary,only with some visitors.And it is perfect just the way it is.

P.S: when this happens again, dear future me remember this: a tiny bit of red wine, calcium,chocolate,some food -biscuits will do ,classical music and living the moment, at least for a few seconds.It helps.

Minuet from sonatine

Ceata

"Sur le fil"

fotograf - Felicia Simion

Pasii tai miscandu-se linistiti pe trotuar,prin frunze,pe iarba,pe strada.

Cat de frumos e sa mergi prin ceata care te inconjoara, sa nu vezi pe nimeni trecand pe langa tine, sa mergi inainte, continuu, fiindu-tiuneori teama,uitandu-te-ntoate partile pentru a recunoaste vreun petec de pamant!

 Cerul nu mai este la fel...s-a innegrit si  a inecat soarele.Doi ochi galbeni te privesc apropiindu-se din ce in ce mai mult, apoi trec de tine urmarindu-si in continuare victima. Pomi invaluiti de panze de paianjen, cladiri ascunse privirilor, strazi ce par ca nu duc nicaieri , poduri care nu se mai termina, ape ce doar se aud, fara sa le vezi. Te uiti in jos si vezi ca apa este mica, insa tu esti acolo, pe pod, o auzi involburata,zbuciumata,furioasa, asteptand parca sa te inghita odata cu podul. Ai ceva in cap care iti spune "treci mai repede, uite, acum cade!" insa tu continui sa mergi cu aceeasi intensitate pana ai  trecut. Pomii te privesc cu aceeasi curiozitate cu care tu ii privesti pe ei.Si ei incearca sa te recunoasca, sa isi dea seama de ce ai iesit pe o astfel de vreme, cine esti si ce cauti intr-un astfel de loc. Stai, te plimbi, admiri,privesti. Curand ,lumini incep sa se aprinda peste tot in jurul tau, insa par doar niste lumini de la capetele unor tunele indepartate. Din cand in cand trece cate un om pe langa tine, insa nu te priveste.Tu te uiti la el si ii studiezi trasaturile fetei, piciorul schiopatand, mersul leganat. Il privesti impersonal, ca pe un tablou si mergi mai departe prin ceata.

 Ceata asta binecuvantata! Nimeni nu te stie, nu stie a cui fiica sau al cui fiu esti, ce studiezi, unde te aflii, ce ai facut.Nimeni nu iti stie trecutul, nimeni nu te poate compatimi sau judeca, pentru ca nimeni nu te recunoaste. Sub cerul negru, esti invaluit de un voal protector. Toate secretele tale sunt inchise undeva , intr-o cutie peste care s-a asternut praful. Nu te gandesti la nimic si incepi sa mergi mai departe.Pasii tai pe miscandu-se linistiti pe trotuar, prin frunze, pe iarba, pe strada.

Perfect

In ultimele saptamani m-am intrebat de multe ori " oare lucrurile pot sa fie mai bune de atat?" Am intalnit multe persoane in ultima vreme, oameni alaturi de care ma simt bine si  care se implica in niste lucruri extraordinare.Oameni cu care am avut ocazia  sa discut [cu unii mai mult, cu altii mai putin] si sa realizez ca aparentele intr-adevar insala, atat atunci cand  vine vorba de mine, cat si de ei.Daca la inceputul anului universitar imi spuneam ca nu voi rezista presiunilor, atmosferei, partii asteia extrovertite care imi lipsea cu desavarsire.Chiar facusem un test la un curs si mi-a iesit  instabil,ambivert [ cu tendinta mai mare spre introvertit ],melancolico-coleric [cum?!].Ma intreb, daca as da acum acelasi test, ce mi-ar iesi?
  Am reusit sa ma organizez mai bine decat am crezut ca o voi face, sa ma implic in mai multe decat eu, o persoana care abia daca iesea pe afara sa se inalneasca cu niste prieteni ,nu credeam ca ma voi imoplica si ca ma voi si tine de aceste lucruri.Da, e adevarat, am ceva experienta din timpul liceului insa totul pare ca s-a inmiit si s-a inmiit in  bine! De ceva timp tot apar oportunitati pe care eu trebuie sa  le iau  sa le valorific invatand din ele.
 In seara aceasta totul este foarte...relaxant.Ceva muzica buna, ceva prieteni [si de data asta nu mai sunt 15 ci doar 2-3 ] si pur si simplu atmosfera asta linistitoare care nu credeam ca va mai veni/Poate fi linistea dinaintea furtunii, avand in vederee ca ma voi duce sa invat curand insa ma bucur de ea, ma bucur de astfel de momente cand stau si ma bucur de prezent ,pt. ca sunt etxrem de rare!
  Asadar....orice ati face, bucurati-va de lucrurile marunte si luati absolut orice oportunitate,Nu lasati nimic sa treaca pentru ca va veti intreba "Ce ar fi fost daca....?"

 Guns`n`roses - Sweet child `o mine

Descarcare emotionala

Nirvana - "Come as you are"

Am descoperit o alta modalitate de a te descarca , alta in afara de vorbit cu cineva, fumat sau  baut si aceea e :sportul! Inainte cu cateva minute ma simteam ingrozitor de apasata, simteam o mare... presiune asurpa mea si nici macar nu ma priveste direct problema. M-am tot plimbat dintr-o parte a alta a camerei iar apoi am inceput sa ascult Muse si sa ma intind involuntar. Mi-am amintit ca am probleme cu tendoanele, ca nu sunt intinse destul probabil si m-am decis sa fac cateva exercitii. Durerea provocata de intinderi mi-a permis sa ma manifest si .. sonor, sa spun asa. Si apoi mi-am dat seama ca asta era calea! Acum nu ma mai simt apasata, dinportiva, sunt doar iritata de cee ce se intampla dar nu mai simt... "piatra de pe inima".Cand am fost in vara aceasta la Gura Portitei am inalnit niste oameni interesanti iar unul din ei facea  terapei prin muzica. La un mom. dat am observat ca toata lumea tipa si mi-a zis si mie sa fac asta. A spus ca nu poti face asta deat la mune si la mare. Asadar, oameni buni, cand mai aveti vreo problema pur si simplu plimbati-va,  mergeti pe cel mai apropiat deal, intindeti-va muschii si TIPATI! Tipati cat simtiti ca aveti nevoie pentru ca toata aceasta frustrare, nervozitate, iritare poate, tristete, senzatie de neputina sa iasa si sa nu mai revina. Si apropo de asta: voi sunteti singurii ce va puteti ajuta.
  Mi-am spus ca ...o descendenta dintr-o familie de nobili nu se cade nici sa bea, nici sa fumeze, nici sa planga degeaba. Oh si asta... e o alta poveste ce o voi spune curand , e o poveste ce dureaza de multi ani care are o intriga interesanta, una plina de nedreptate, lacomie si mandrie. E probabil una din povestile cu care ma mandresc cel mai mult. Intr-o zi,cand imi voi scrie prima carte o voi publica in prefata. Daca veti gasi "Setna" sau "Nefiinta" in librarii, sa o cumparati ;).