I find myself looking quite often at the past, at the time in which I started this blog,  my high school or my university years. Now that I'm 28,many things have changed but for the most part, I've stayed the same at heart. 

My trauma and my bad experiences made me less optimistic and calm but I feel like I've really matured and learned from life. For the time, I finally have someone I can love - romantically - without fear, someone who accepts me exactly as I am and who sees me as I am. I don't feel lesser when I'm with him, I don't feel as I can't reach his level. We are equal, both in each other's eyes and in the eyes of everyone who knows us. 

I've grown a lot, I don't feel the need to constantly have the validation of other people anymore; the only person I truly seek acceptance from is myself. Although I feel as if I constantly need my mom's validation, I know that she accepts and looks past my flaws, as opposed to what I do to myself. 

I've also grown in matters of what I want to do with my life. I know that feeling in control is the best feeling for me and anything unstable, regardless how small, gives me terrible anxiety. Therefore, I'd like to do something humanitarian, either for animals or for children. That, plus photography, writing and art, which constitute the basis of my entire identity. 

I no longer want to move abroad, unless it would be with a long - term work project and I am no longer terrified by marriage. The idea of having him as my husband doesn't terrify me, it barely makes me see any difference at all, since we are already living like a married couple. The only horrifying thing now would be a pregnancy. I have come to terms with the fact that I'd either make a child much later in life, or adopt and raise another's child. I will educate them and love them nevertheless, without going to the trauma and pain of pregnancy. 

In terms of my morals, they too have become more mature. I am much less rebellious - something my teenage self would have hated - but much more stable. Although I struggle still with mental illness, I've started accepting  all parts of myself I can even say I'm quite cool. 

Now, if only I could stabilize the last part of my goals: giving my life a purpose...

Things I still suck at

 1. Accepting that maybe I'll never make the world a better place. 

The idea has been obsessing me for years and I desperately hold on to it, hoping and dreaming that I'll do something major with my life, something that will change the world for the better and thus, history will remember me. 

2. Fighting enough towards my goals 

Although at the moment I try to become more organised in my plans and break my major goals into small, more manageable steps, I often only do whatever I feel like doing in a day. 

3. Budgeting in a way that will allow me to save up money

Somehow I always end up with too little money at the end of the month, despite my budgeting plans 

4. Taking enough care of myself

I still don't wash my hair often enough and I still skip meals and don't exercise.

5. Improving my writing skills

I still don't write often enough and while the topics I approach are more mature and I write better, I still haven't achieved my literary goal due to lack of practice.

6. Improving my drawing skills

7. Making money out of what I love

8. Opening up to people

I'm a very private person and I don't open up to just about anyone and when I do, I make sure to keep it reasonable and not burden the other person

9. Experimenting more with my looks

I've had the same hair color and wore roughly the same hair styles for years. I never experimented much with makeup or with clothes either.

10. Keeping my friendships 

Although I don't care as much as I used to, I find it challenging to keep the "friends" I make.

11. Taking pills or respecting any kind of medical treatment.

12. Running, swimming fast and riding a bike.

13. Maths

14. Reading enough

15. Science knowledge 

16. I don't help people enough

Nemophilist

Ieri am realizat ca e posibil sa sufar de DP/DR [google it], nu stiu sigur daca e intr-adevar adevarat sau sunt doar niste simptome care imi apar din cand in cand si carora eu le dau o prea mare importanta, in orice caz, I`m not exactly sane ^^.

 Visele pe care le am continua sa se manifeste si sunt mai complexe si mai reale ca niciodata, azi noapte am visat ca eram intr-un loc nou si ca m-a atins... o papusa pe fata. Una din lemn. Alaltaieri am visat niste cuvinte stranii intr-o limba pe care nu am auzit-o niciodata, un text intreg era scris pe laptopul meu si cu toate ca am mai patit asta, de data asta am reusit sa "aduc" ceva din vis in realitate: in timp ce eram intre vis si realitate am reusit sa scriu patru cuvinte din acel text complex in ciorna telefonului. De asemenea m-am trezit de doua ori in vis, constientizand de ambele dati ca nu este altceva decat un vis. A fost straniu dar interesant in acelasi timp, ma gandesc ca poate reusesc sa preiau incet incet controlul asupra lumilor pe care le visez. 

De fiecare data inainte sa adorm ma gandesc la tot felul de lucruri care as vrea sa se intample, spun lucruri pe care as vrea sa le spun si pe care nu cred ca le voi spune vreodata. In vise, le realizez. Cu toate ca visele mele vizeaza mai mult calatoriile si nu interactiunile umane, uneori imi mai ofera surprize, de cele mai multe ori placute, in care visez diversi oameni. 

In orice caz, indiferent de ce sufar sau motivul pentru care visez, sunt constienta de faptul ca nu trebuie sa ma panichez si ca solutia e defapt foarte simpla: natura. Am realizat asta acum mult timp. Daca sunt intr-o barca si ma uit la vegetatia din jur sau la undele apei care se creaza sub barca, ma relaxez, daca sunt pe munte sunt atat de fericita incat uneori simt ca ma topesc in Absolut si Absolutul e una cu mine, uneori chiar plang de fericire dar ceea ce ma face cel mai fericita e padurea. Simt ca apartin padurilor, le simt spiritul, simt constiinta pomilor din jurul meu, constientizez fiecare fir de iarba pe care pasesc si fiecare frunza si am senzatia ca am ajuns in casa unor fiinte mult superioare noua care sunt acolo sa ne ocroteasca si sa ne faca sa nu stricam mai mult de atat. 

Pomii sunt cu mult superiori noua, daca nu crezi, du-te si imbratiseaza un copac! Serios! O sa vezi modul in care te simti dupa aceea si modul in care te elibereaza de toate energiile tale negative. Ei sunt aici sa ne faca sa realizam ca noi suntem minusculi in comparatie cu creatia insasi si ca toata lumea ar trebui sa fie unita, ca toti suntem egali. Energiile simtite intr-o padure mereu vor fi mai mari decat cele pe care le simtitm intr-un oras, si inmiit mai curate tocmai din acest motiv! 

Acum am nevoie de padure. Am nevoie de munte. Am nevoie sa ma reconectez cu tot ceea ce am uitat, sa ignor stresul din oras, sa imi sterg din memorie lucrurile care ma intristeaza si care ma fac sa imi doresc sa ma rup de realitate. De abia astept sa vina vara sa ma pot duce pe munte, indiferent ce munte e, sa ma simt libera din nou si sa uit de mine macar pentru cateva minute. 

Nemophilist se traduce prin "a hunter of the woods, one who loves the forest and its beauty and solitude". I guess that`s me. 

20 and a Christmas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQM5-Ks64is&list=RDIhqqZN0H7CI&index=2

It`s so nice :3
I have a tiny Christmas tree in my room with Christmas lights, a glass of champagne by my right, I`m wearing my fav. red dress, I`ve lit up a candle and put some essence in a bowl. Everything is so relaxing and nice, too bad I feel like I~m dreaming and nothing is real again.
Today was the first time in years when we actually had a family meal during Christmas and it was fantastic, we laughed a lot at my mum because she has this badluck of getting herself injured all the time :D. My mum actually put the gifts UNDER the tree, for the first time. She called us to come see what is under it too soon but I appreciate the fact that she didn`t directly give it to us again or put somewhere near the pillow/under it/on the desk again. She gave me a beautiful dark red scarf, I absolutely love it!

[awesome cover o.o https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqKZ_WIK5ms&index=3&list=RDIhqqZN0H7CI]

*cheers*

I feel somehow numb but it`s fine. I`ll probably sleep soon or drink some more and then sleep. I feel peaceful somehow and I really like what is going on here now. Everything is relaxing and... beautiful.
I want snow, I really really do want snow! I guess I don`t have anything deep to say today :D Yesterday I was sad again because I`m losing faith in humanity more and more but remember, future me: don`t let yourself down. You`ve been through a lot, I have faith in you! I know you`re a strong person deep down, you don`t have to change, you don`t want to change. Be the same person you are and give your ideas of becoming a more dishonest person or chanching into a bad person. It will do you no good and you know that. Please, don`t give up what you are now.
Have a merry, merry Christmas, 20 y.o. me! :)

stuff i suck at

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsLvrBwPrA0&list=FLcmk0FelCS4_aOxLbraRUwg&index=1

Ok so I really have to write this post to let all the shit from my heart go out and feel free. Stuff I suck at:

1. being honest with myself
2. being myself
3. relationships. Really, I`ve only had 1 cause i`m affraid of commitment and when guys like me I kinda freak out
4. Love. I either not love at all and I can`t tell when someone cares about me or I love with all my heart and soul and I love too much and I get too involved and then I become this weird maniac who thinks about that person all fucking day and wants to see that person a lot. Like... every day.
5. Having one stable personality. I~m either incredibly lady- like and cultured and shit, or I become some kind of junkie who cares only about booze and punk music and sometimes weed.
6. Finishing the stuff I start
7. Taking my pills. I don`t take strong pills, usually they`re vitamins or stuff for cold but I hate taking pills, they make me feel like I`m addicted to them and I`m some grandma who`s close to dying and needs her pills
8. Doing what I always wanted to, Like donating for charity.
9. Being a good person. I don`t do anything to make this society better altough I always complain about it.
10. Being free. Sometimes I just lay in bed all day and I`m trapped in the Internet world wich consist of Facebook - deviantart - viral nova - buzzfeed - descopera. ro
11. Being cultured. I don`t even finish reading the articles I`m interested in sometimes cause I`m too lazy for that shit. And I pretend to know a lot of stuff when I actually have little info about that stuff but because I know more than other people about subject x, they think I`m cultured.
12. Being there for my friends. Sometimes my best friend talks to me about her problems and I don`t seem to care at all. What kind of friend does that?!
13. Being unemotional. I care too much about stuff I shouldn`t care so much. When someone I know and care about tells me that they`re unhappy with something, even tough it`s small and they`ll get through it, I`m so devastated that I actually need to go away from the computer [this is how I mostly talk to people] and think about that shit  for a while cause i can`t look at the conversaion anymore. Sometimes I cry. I know, this and point 12 don`t match at all but as I said: personalities.
14. The just-me-and-my-toughts shit. Everytime I think about something I think of how I look when I`m in that moment. And it`s not cause I want to, it just happens. It`s weird and annoying as fuck but I can`t control it. Or I think that someone is by my side and is listening to me when I`m actually just by myself.
15. Not swearing. I say fuck and shit a lot.
16. Getting over my emotional problems.
17. Actually getting shit done. I procrastinate a lot.
18. Confrontation. When I have to talk about something serious with someone  and that person is not in front of me, I just look at the keyboard and type really fast and press enter super fast because I`m afraid of what they might reply.
19. Figuring out how I truly am. Am I childish? Am I a serious person? Am I an introvert, am I a social butterfly? Do I believe in God, am I an atheist? Am I straight, am I bi? Still don`t know.
20. Falling in love. Did this only twice, everytime with the wrong person. Even when i had a relationship I wasn`t in love even tough i really really tried to,
21. Not being influenced by the music I listen to, the books I read or the shows i watch. After I watched Lie to me I reasearched body language a lot and took so seriously that I was actually in the bus reading people`s body language. I still suck at it because of course, I didn`t practice anymore or read anything about it anymore.
22. Reading my internet bookmarks. I have lots of them, maybe even 100 +, I just add the link to my favs. and never go over it again.
23. Drawing. I can do really great stuff cause I`ve got amazing and very original ideas but I lack the tehnique cause I~m a lazy ass human.
24. Keeping my friends.
25. Not being devastated when my friends leave me.
26. Not forgiving people or forgiving them too easily. When someome offends one of my friends, I NEVER forgive them, when someone hurts me a lot and make me suffer a lot I forgive them immdiatly if I saw something in that person.
27. Strenght. I was followed home, I got almost strangled by a 15 y.o. bitch, I got slapped and I couldn`t even give them a punch.
28. Smoking. I`ve been a smoker for 5 years now and I still suck at it because the cigarettes I smoke are incredibly strong and I can`t stand so much smoke in my lungs but I still like them because of that so I`m not changing them.
29. Being there for my parents.
30. Being there for my family. I call my grandparents very rarley altough I love them more than anything in the world.
31. Following people`s adivice. I do it for a maximum of 5 days then I`m back to my old self.
32. Taking a decision and holding onto it.
33. Being clean. I`m so lazy that I don`t wash my hair 2 days a week as I should and sometimes it looks like a broom.
34. Being organized. My stuff is everywhere, now my desk is super clean. In 2 days it won`t be anymore.
35. Being in touch with the world. I`m a day -dreamer, i make up conversations I would like to have in my head but the only person talking is me.
36. Controlling myself when I talk about something that really affects me. If I talk about this with someone in person, I start crying. It happened a few times, 2 or 3 times and I couldn`t stop crying so unless I know I can control myself, I never talk about such things with another person, especially if that person is involved in the problem.
37. Not being paranoid about my behaviour. Everytime I feel like I~m trying too hard with something or I believe that I`m talking too much with a person and they`re not really in the mood to talk so much with me, I ask them if that`s ok, if they`re not bothered. If they tell me it`s ok, I believe they only say that to be polite.
38. Taking care of myself. I self- destroy myself. I overthink problems, I smoke a lot, I skip meals, I don`t exercise and I don`t give a shit about it. Sometimes when I`m really down I grab a cigarette and drink coke just because I know it will hurt me and that feels good in some way because I believe I deserve it.
39. Having self - confidence. Even tough I know that people say good things about me and that my close friends have a good opinion about me, when I`m around other people I move weirdly because I`m kind of awkward and my self- confidence is 0.
40. Appreciating my body. I can`t find anything good at it, tonight I realised I finally like the way my hands look. I think my body is quite a mess because I`m underweight, the only thing I like is my face. And my hair, I fucking love it!
41. Improving my literary skills. I don`t even care, I write because I want to and I never go again over what I wrote.
42. Not giving a fuck about anything.
43. Giving a fuck about stuff. It depends on the situation. When I should care, I don`t, when I shouldn`t, I do.
44. Remembering things. I don`t rememer how I used to be 2 years ago, I can`t put my memories cronologically correct. I sometimes say something and I forget or people tell me stuff and if it`s not important enough for me, I delete it from my memory. For exemple, if a friend of mine tells me some of their memories, I remember every detail, if they tell me that in an hour they have to meet with someone and it`s very important, I forget the second they told me that.
45. Remembering birthdays, anniverseries, ages, majors and anything like that.

I think that`s all for now.
Here, another cool song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ2LWI5iOYY&list=FLcmk0FelCS4_aOxLbraRUwg&index=5

Conclusion: I suck.

Macabre moi

this fucking song...

Hey
hello
hi
what`s up, me?

Oh, you know, just listening to the same sad songs over and over again, then go to the creepy ones, then go back to blue. Cause these are my only mood lately: black and blue, dark, TARDIS-blue.

'You gave me two cigarettes to smoke my tears away...' [listen to the fucking song!]

My mum came yesterday, her medical tests are allright, she doesn`t have anything bad. Well, not as bad as I tought, anyway. So, what is it then?
you know what it is!

Why am even writing this?
Oh, right, because last week you did a mistake and you smoked what you shouldn`t have and you wrote some shit and you probably want to see it in 6 months- one fucking year- 10 years -never.
So, here we go. This is how broken your subconsiousness is and how fucked up you are:
^_^


[btw, erai in cafeneaua aia misto care iti place enorm  aici, era si sushi kid si tipul ala care canta misto, Paul. Si tu stateai la o masa din colt, cu "Misery" pe masa si cu tigarile in fata, agenda si pixul imprastiate peste tot si ceaiul care se racise. Si-ti tremurau mainile si mintea, mai ales mintea.]

"Realitatea mea se sparge iar mintea-mi
risipita in mii de coturi incerc
sa o adun, bucata cu bucata, sa o pun la loc.

Mi-e pofta de sangele cald ce curge
din viata, reinviind sufletul mort
pierdut in Universuri distincte

cad
Ma agat de o ultima suflare si
renasc cu grija pasind in lumea
ce a fost amea
candva
undeva
uitata in timp.

Eu sunt luumina intuneric viata prezent viitor timp amintiri!
Ia-mi mana.
Atinge degetele ce cauta in neant negrul
mintii mele
ma apuca de suflet, aruncandu-l spre
o alta lume care nu-i a mea
candva
undeva

Simt ca traiesc,Sunt nascuta iar
sub un alt semn,
Capul meu e cap?
Mainile mele apuca alte maini calde ma ridica dar cad

trezeste-ma!
trezeste-ma! tip din pustiu
desertul e atat de aproape de mine
il simt in vene inima
pulsand, simt viata
labritinul meu nemaivazut - zbor!
in subconstient.

opreste-te
opreste-te iti zic, ramai aici!
tristete rusine teama
imi deschid ochii de carne - privesc
sunt aici, acum.
Trezeste-te!
M-am trezit.

Don`t blame it cause it doesn`t rhyme and shit, you wrote it when you still had no idea if the real life is real or not, you were in a trance, your mind was struggling to cope with this world. Consider it research, on yourself.

oh and...
Just... drink more wine. Thinking doesn`t help. It never helped you.
They`re going to watch a movie, why won`t you watch it with them? C`mon! You can do better than this ;)

this whole shitty post is useless, perhaps I should actually write something that would help me in the future

Listen, I know! Let`s talk about what you did this week, it will help you remember.
You started the project with your foreign friend, the photo project, you learned how to edit more in photoshop, you did something very creepy and macaber, you caught a cold, you cried before going to bed, you stoped smoking so much, you stoped drinking so much, you ...you suffered, you got worried because of your mum, you decide now to spend a lot of money anymore, you started anothe book, you missed from college, you started playing wow again, you re-talked with a friend and decided he`s quite nice, you missed a lot of people, you had weird dremas [ like purple-skin weird dreams :D] and you tought about how much your love life sucks :D And how you`re gonna die alone with 72 cats ^^ .
Do you even care?
Do I still even care?

You discovered new cool bands and songs, you ... you... you did nothing. The only thing you`re proud about is the photo project. Fix it.

Trust?There`s no such thing!

"Going to Hell" - The Pretty Reckless

I tought I stopped being naive, I tought that people were finally by my side, I tought they see things as they actually are,I tought they truly saw the bad character in the story but apparentely things are not always as they seem to be.Opinions are and will always be divided, people will always think from their own perspective,nobody truly gives a damn thing, everyone is for themselves, everyone is judgmental and selfish.
I didn`t trust people before and will not start trusting them now.I don`t have to, people lie, people are deceiving,people pretend and play the victim , why would I trust anyone? Once this person I truly and deeply despise told me something "Don`t trust anyone, don`t trust me, don`t even trust yourself."